Starting Over

(Did anybody notice that I sent the first blog,  "Diving into Dharma".... which I wrote over my FIRST week here, which was, in fact, the second week of Dec.....after Christmas because I'd never hit the "publish" button. 

Confusing?)

Starting Over Again:    (This blog was written a few days before and after Christmas)

Last night I had a dream.   (a week before Xmas now!).  In it,  Maharaji (my root guru) was coming to Amma's Ashram and I was figuring out how to build a small, raised Dias (platform) for him.  He was passing thru and I was honored and thrilled.  He wanted it to be low profile.  If I could find one piece of 1/2 " plywood I could build it as the sides only needed to be 8"or 12 " high.  Later some Satsangy's arrived (from that path) and a middle aged women next to me said her husband hadn't been able to have sexual relations with her for years and they were trying, to address the issue.  (The dream probably reflects the relational impotence of that Path for me.)    I was then with them in a big older American car owned by a  friend...out of the past... who couldn't drive himself as his license had been taken away.  He was suddenly to be imitated after waiting many years.  (I wondered: 'what was the point' because that Path, for me,  lacked vitality).  I left my car and, as a group, we started driving to San Francisco to eat.  But I began questing why we were going as we'd have to return all the way back the 30 miles south (about where San Mateo is where I was born) to get my car before returning to our final destination back north to SF.  I thought this extra driving was a waste of time plus I didn't want to be roped into a pointless dinner with them.  I insisted we turn around to get my car so I could be independent.

Maharaji Charan Singh is my root guru.  He passed more than 20 years ago yet He includes all that I can imagine. There is nothing that He is not.  More than my Life Itself.  Though I can't be in His physical company, I increasingly feel His Presents in my life more now than ever.  

At every step I can see the world distracting me from Truth.   As within a dream, I'm beginning to realize how hopelessly asleep I am. Often over the decades, as now, I've seen that Maharaji has never left my life of sleepwalking, always quietly entering the doors of my distress and longing.  Just being with me.  And now, settling on an 8" Dias (platform) with Amma high on center stage,  I rejoice to know He also includes my way with Amma. 

 I also feel these efforts of mine to understand are shared within the context of my family and friends who's lives also center on Awakening.  But I can also appreciate that others who read my blog might not relate at all to some of what I'm saying.

Last nights full house of devotional Bhajans, with Amma sitting on the stage facing, was over the top.  

There, backed by skilled  instrumentalists on tablas, harmoniums, etc. hugely amplified over cell vibrating speakers, she rocked.  Half a dozen huge screens project the Bhajans in both the local language and English.  Emotioally stirred I moved closer seeing Maharaji on the mountain top of the Five Regions and Amma, the Devine Mother, as the Ground Of All Being.  Salutations to Both as The One residing in Everyone in The All In Everything of the Primordial One.

A few days before Christmas:

I wrote the above bits before a dozen hours+ of writing and rewriting many wonderful experiences were irrevocably lost.   Cosmo says it's because I didn't hit 'save'.  After all the different time's writting, a half hour here and there, I hadn't ever touched the 'save' and nothing disappeared so where's the rational explanation?  Subsequently, I felt punched in the stomach and frustrated with my relationship to computers.  I wondered what the lessons were. What was I to do and not to do?  Had writing become too distracting, time consuming, and inappropriate for me here?   Were these hours 'lost' just for practice in writing and computer skills?

Then a wise older sister told me I had to change my deep seated negative attitude with the computer.  From her experience, I must change my relationship to positive if I was to use it.  I gratefully realized what she was saying, hence......Starting Over.

Being in India and now with Amma defies rational experience.  It's beyond my ability to speak of what comes up here.  I'm slow at writting so it is a distraction from being here.  Learning to use the computer has been challenging with every step.  For example, I was just typing these words when a completely different paragraph inserted itself.  It's hard for other's to understand but I think there are also other forces here at work.

What I'm experiencing is essentially and entirely a journey into a another world from 'back home'.  I touched on it in the 60's in India with Maharaji the spiritual Father.  Here with Amma, it's similar and also another dimension.  She reflects the real life experience of the mother as the one we are born out of,  from who we are nurtured. She is the embodiment of embracing affection and compassion.  All the world is imperment except for her.  She is the soil, seed, blossoming flower, decaying leaf and compost as one. She is symbolically our Spiritual Tree of Life.  Just as earthly trees provide shelter and protection, food, wood for our houses, medicine, while holding erosion and purifying the air we breath.... we are never separate or alone from our biological mother.  Above all, we are never separate from 'Amma' which in Sandscrit means 'Devine Mother.'

Earlier Jane and I had finished a Tai Chi class just behind the beach late in the afternoon when we were called by a circle of others chanting and playing guitars down near the water.  They were all Brits. It was like I'd popped down the rabbit hole and found my root family.  All friends of Jane, most living here, they encircled and welcoming me in their various English accents.  I was captivated with delight.  In the course of this gentle evening and sunset of singing devotional songs from Mother India I realized I was in a Christmas gathering as plates of the tastiest of treats were spread out in the center.  One of the women there who works in the Wester Cafe made a fabulously rich pecan, chocolate, cocoanut, date and raisin, absolutely sugarless, vegan muse.  (I had only a couple of tasty red bananas to contribute)    We ended in silent gratitude and with the promise of gathering together again for New Years.

I'd always enjoyed seeing the brightness of Peter this last week so when he pulled up to the dinner table across from Jane and me it was an opportunity to explore.  After graduating from a top performing arts school near Boston, he'd been a dancer, actor, musician and into performing/teaching in and around NYC for a few years before being hired by a creative out reach program to go to Tamil Nadu ( other side of India) for two months teaching 8-16 year old students creative self expression....(an alien concept to Indians!)   We enthusiastically recalled being thrilled by last nights Christmas Eve performance of two Indian Classical dance pieces.  We'd been mesmerized by the dancers skill and expressiveness.   Her feet, let alone her hands, facial expression, isolation of movement, endurance... were reviting.

An older Belgian couple who I've gotten to know and are her friends (their daughter is her student) told me that she is 22, not Indian, but actually from Aix-Provance-En-Provence in the south of France.   She has been a devotee of Amma since childhood.  Her older Indian husband has an internationally acclaimed Classical Dance school not far from here. (There are many different schools, or forms of classical dance but his is renouned for it's expressive story telling dimensions).  

They told me that a week ago, down the coast in Kovalam,  she'd performed before Prince Charles and that she is projected to be the supreme talent of this art form.  I now saw the need to connect Peter, who in all appearance looks the talented dancer, with her and planned to have him meet the Belgians  tomorrow  

Three weeks ago I told Shambo, standing next to me serving breakfast curd after lovely Rose with Alice, her 15 year old autistic daughter in tow passed by,  that I hoped to get to know them.  What follows is why I bow my head in gratitude for being here with Amma and serves to show just a glimpse of the rich texture of contacts and experiences I feel thru-out every day.  

Anyone could see Rose is 100% committed to care-taking which essentially means to the exclusion of most 'normal' relationships, including intimacy with a significant other.  What man could intimately keep Rose company on her path?  He would have to open his heart wide for both mother and daughter. 

Rose and I would occasionally share warm greetings but, try as I might, Alice would not warm to me, looking off distractedly or without interest while occasionally fluttering her little hands.

But there was something about both of them each and together, that I felt drawn to.

I was sitting with my English friend Jane in the big temple watching Amma hug the masses and enveloped by the resounding shabds.  Jane reminds me, amazingly, of my sister, Patricia.  So I'm sitting with both of them when down the isle on the women's side of the hall comes beautiful 50 year old English Rose with Alice her 15 yr. old autistic child.  As they came abreast, I spontaneously rose going over to them and, on my knees and as close as I could be to Alice, said how beautiful they both were.  With Amma my heart was open.  All in a timeless moment Alice suddenly looked me in my eyes and caressed my face with her tiny hands. Then, leaning very close, she kissed my cheek.  Glancing at Rose all in smiles, I looked back to Alice and brushed her cheek with mine before kissing her forehead.  As she moved to go we looked deeply, silently into each other's eyes and I kissed her cheek.

In wonder for the gift Alice had given me I returned to my seat.  Reflecting now, I would say it was like being kissed by a Dolphin or a Whale.

This being said, I'm grateful for the presence of Karen in my life who, breaking my heart, broke it open and freed me to be with Amma.  In the same breath I cherish my sister Patricia who, for longer than I can remember, has been by my side.  Life would not be what it is without her love, affection, humor, and spiritual wisdom.  This journey has also been supported and guided by my friend Satya and, from home base, by Bodhi and Helena.  My love also to Marilyn, and Chad, and Allison/David, and Christina and John on the hill, and David L, and Ray my (not ex) brother in law, and Lama Norbo, Ron and Toni, and Bruno and Sharon, my spirit brother Steve in Alaska, and Rod and Brooks, and my wonderful nephew Scott from Downunder who I long to see again.  You, with spouses and other family and friends, have been essential support this last transformative year and for my present journey.

A year ago over Christmas I was in a Vipashana retreat.  There, on New Year's Eve. I formed four intentions with the full Moon: I would focus on relationship, would cut back working by half, open up to enjoying my life, and that my spiritual life would become a priority.    All have been granted.  

Relationship for me has opened in a way I never could have imagined.  At long, long last I'm beginning to realize the immeasurable human gift of connecting with heart and emotion with others.  I've been embraced and my hands held all along the way.  The year began with Karen and I happily enjoying 6 weeks together in Hawaii and I also taking weeks to have fun with #1 son Nolan in Santa Barbara.  I struggled with work as a priority with so much to feel and learn in Separation.

On my knees Maharaji and now Amma merging to bless.  What a way to end this year!   Surrounded by others seeing each other from the heart the Mothers Love.

With highest intentions for all in this coming year of our most precious life.

In gratitude,  Mahadevi,   (alias David)